Subtitles provided by Unruly Qiao team at Viki
Unruly Qiao
Episode 7
Halt! Stand there
He Mei Li, is this your daughter?
Yes.
The Emperor is choosing a concubine.
Your daughter fits all the criteria.
Take her away.
Come.
Wait!
Big brother.
do you have any taste?
You still want me, even though I look like this?
Exactly, exactly.
Look at my daughter
she's fat and ugly
and has a big tongue.
Look at her buck teeth!
Would the Emperor want her?
Whether or not she gets chosen, is none of my business.
Take her away!
Let's go.
Quickly.
The Emperor won't want her. He won't.
Mum
She's not bad. Take her to the palace!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Look at her, she's fat and ugly.
How can she possibly enter the palace?
Am I right?
Don't be so naggy
She's lucky that she can enter the palace
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
Mum
Sir,
plase take a good look.
Look at my daughter
Buck teeth
a face full of pimples
She's lazy and greedy and won't get things done
His Majesty cannot possibly want her.
We'll be going now
Bye!
Let's go, let's go.
Exactly
When I'm bored, I dig my nose
When I sleep, I even grind my teeth,
snore and drool.
It's too embarassing
Right, right, right. That's right.
We'll be leaving now.
Enough of that crap.
Send her into the palace!
Come
Mum!
Do you have any sense?
Mum!
There are orders from the palace
Any one who defies the edict will be executed
Let go of me, let go of me!
Mum!
Let's go!
Mum!
Hurry up
Let go of me!
Mum!Hurry up
Hurry up and move
Eunuch Meng, how are you?
Mm.
What are you looking at?
I'll dig your eyes out if you look again.
Go.
Is this the palace or the execution ground?
Stop talking.
Go.
Big brother.
Your future wife is entering the palace soon.
Don't you want to go and take a look?
That...
I don't want to get married.
What wife?
She is already here.
Can you still not marry?
Even if we don't find a suitable one now
We'll just keep looking
You are the Emperor.
Are you scared you won't find someoneto your liking?
Aiyah.
When the time comes, you'll find yourself in a fix
You'll have 3,000 beauties in the back palace
and a hard time making sure all of them are satisfied.
I don't need a harem of 3,000.
I just need one.
If I can be with the one I love,
that would be enough.
Choosing one out of the 3,000?
Then the remaining 2,000 will be wasted!
I can't help you with this.
Aiyoh.
You don't recognize bliss when you're experiencing it.
You are so easily satisfied.
Yes!
Your Majesty,
There is something to report.
What?
The bronze ball from the earthquake detector has fallen
Hey, is this ball good?
There are even words on it!
You can't do this.
This is the bronze ball from the earthquake detector
What's wrong with playing with it?
Return it to me.
Stop creating a scene
Bring it here.
Leave. I'll deliver it.
Movement.
Inform the heavenly division
to find out where the Earthquake has occurred.
Then get the six divisions to send disaster relief
The moment there is news on the situation
Report to me immediately.
Yes.
Where's the earthquake?
In the Northeast region
I hope the people are fine
and that the situation isn't too serious
Luckily, I'm not the Emperor.
I don't have to worry about this.
Aren't you going to the palace court to take a look at your future wife?
Okay.
If you are busy,
I'll go on your behalf.
We are good buddies.
We'll share our blessings
I'll enjoy the beauties
and come back here to tell you if she's pretty
Okay?
We are here.
These few days, you will be living here
to learn palace etiquette and rules
Get it?
Go in.
Look.
There is a new person.
Quick, there's a new person here!
I'm from the Fujian province
my name is Fu Jian
Fu Jian?
Fu Jian!
I'm from the province of Yunan
I'm from the province of Saixi
I'm--
I'm from Hunan
I'm
I'm from Henan
Where are you from?
Which province are you from?
You are very beautiful.
Give me a hug!
Come.
Make way, make way
Don't be anxious.
It's not like anyone here will be chosen
Let's just all learn how to be palace maids
It's fine to be palace maids
Eh! This princess is teaching here
Don't you know the rules?
Where are you going?
Reporting!
I need to do my business
Go quickly.
Miss.
Have we walked into a zoo?
Why is there a monkey here?
Oh, there's also a pig.
Who are you?
Your maid is so rude
This lady is Grand Secretary Zhao's daughter
Miss Xiang Ning
From the Grand Secretary's residence?
What's so great?
Wow!
They're hideous.
Xiao Tian
Theres a lot of uglies
Come take a look, quick.
Xiao Tian
Hey, Wooden-head man
Did you see Xiao Tian?
Not talking? No manners!
What are you doing here?
Wah!
Mom, there's a demon here.
Hit!
Demon.
Demon
Men!
There's a demon here.
There's a demon in the palace.
A demon.
Men.
There's a demon in the palace.
Men.
It's me!
Xiao Tian?
Why'd you make yourself look like this?
I intentionally made myself ugly.
Who knew that they like this type?
Xiao Tian
Go stall him!
Xiao Tian
He's not here.
Why isn't he here?
Someone said that he's here.
Wait, wait.
He's changing his clothes.
So what if he is changing his clothes?
Big brother.
Come.
Big brother.
I...
have a secret to tell you.
What secret?
We must find the right place to tell this secret.
Come, this...
Let me tell you.
Just now.
I went over there to take a look at your wife.
I got goosebumps that still haven't gone away
Goosebumps this big!
What do you mean?
I think that your mom did it on purpose.
All of them look like freaks
Each one is uglier than the next.
Your fat cousin
Is like a crane among ducks in there
and can be considered pretty in comparison!
Your mother obviously wants to choose her.
But don't worry,
Octopus girl is here too
Octopus girl?
The one that keeps sticking to Xiao Tian
Don't say anymore.
As long as she doesn't talk,
When she dressed up, she looks rather pretty
But just like Xiao Tian,
The moment she talks...
Both of you.
What are you talking about?
That...
We didn't say anything much.
I was telling my big brother
then when the Emperor is choosing his concubine
he should choose Grand Secretary Zhao's daughter
Octopus girl
That's definitely a wise choice!
That way I won't be so bothered anymore.
Hey, see.
So how, big brother?
You should bring this suggestion to the Emperor.
Please.
The Emperor does not even want to choose a concubine
Then,
think of something today.
to help him get out of this
Wait.
If you succeed
The Emperor will reward you generously
How much?
How about running away from home?
If the groom is not around, the wedding can't take place
This...
no way.
A country cannot do without its Emperor
If the Emperor runs away
it's as good as abandoning all his people
Exactly
What kind of lousy idea is that?
When the old Eunuch's "precious" went missing
he threw such a big fit
If the Emperor runs away
It'll be even worse than that!
Instead of running away, he should just become a monk
After taking tonsure, he can tell the world
Aiyo, mom.
Aiyoh, mom.
Become a monk?
He might as well learn from you and become a Eunuch
That way he won't ever have to worry about this
Shush.
What about this
Act crazy. That would work!
Wow
Asking the emperor to act crazy!
I'm selling stupidity
how much for one jar?
If he can't act crazy
then he can act sick
That's even worse
I can't fool the imperial physicians
Fine
This won't do, that won't do.
Then there's really nothing we can do.
We can only wish His Majesty a happy marriage
and many children
What's wrong?
I got it.
The Emperor said
he only wants to see He Tian
Don't be ridiculous. We're of one body.
Remember this.
Don't even look at the Emperor.
Don't meet his eyes.
Otherwise, he'll gouge your eyes out
Tear your clothes.
Look.
You only have 2 hands.
Cover here.
You can't cover here.
Cover here.
But second brother can help you.
You cover here
and second brother will cover here.
Is the Emperor very scary?
As long as you don't look at him, nothing will happen.
Hey.
I'm going to look for the Emperor. Don't peep.
Tear your clothes and gouge your eyes!
Tear and gouge!
Don't peek.
Emperor, be careful.
Be careful.
Give it here
People change their clothes
in their abodes with servants to help
But you're different
changing your clothes on the roof!
Right?
Ah.
No choice.
I don't want Xiao Tian to find out
there is no other solution.
Slowly.
Shoes.
Catch!
And also this.
What's wrong with letting Xiao Tian know?
Go, go.
I'm always covering for you
It's so tiring.
Give me my clothes.
Subtitles provided by the Unruly Qiao teamat Viki
What is he playing at?
Making me wait for so long
Shhh
Why are you shushing me?
Xiao An
You should advise the Emperor
not to develop the habit of being late.
The Emperor is here.
Stand at attention.
He's coming.
Why are these eunuchs blocking His Majesty?
The Emperor may not be as good looking as me.
So he's self-concious
Kneel down quick.
Long live the Emperor.
So sorry.
I wasn't trying to act big
I heard that you once said I was a corrupted Emperor
and an idiot.
I'm afraid that
I don't have much time
to thank you for your advice.
This...
actually...
I did think that Your Majesty was a little useless
But you know how to make use of good advice
and handle your subordinates
This clearly means
that Your Majesty isn't as useless as the rumours say
Then...
is he
an idiot or not?
Your Majesty is really straightforward
You say whatever you feel like saying
You're definitely the man amongst men
Emperor.
Why are you hiding?
Didn't you say that
you had
a way of allowing me to feign illness
without other people finding out.
what is the solution?
Your Majesty
My legs are a little sore
Can I stand up and talk?
You can.
Stand up then.
Stand up.
Thank you, Your Highness.
First,
I'll do a demonstration
Xiao An, come here.
Ah
Ahhh
Aiya
This side will hurt
But the other side won't,
Right?
Ouch!
The logic behind this is very simple
Just like me, just now.
when I shouted in Xiao An's ear
The nerves in his right ear received a shock
and he felt the pain.
But the left ear nerves are normal
so they won't hurt.
Eldest brother, he's here, outside the door.
Come.
I'll go in then.
Go in.
He Tian to see the Emperor!
Yes, Your Majesty.
Hey,
The Emperor is inside
but you can't see
If not he'll gouge out your eyes and tear your clothes
This way then.
Just tell me what to do
And I'll do the acupuncture for him
Tell me, tell me.
First, the most important thing is to find the right place
I won't die if he pokes the wrong place, right?
It's very important! It's about four inches below his neck
Remember, it's four inches and not three or five
Otherwise he'll die.
Once you've found it you can poke the needle in
Use the smallest three needles
Remember, the smallest!
Can you do it?
Eldest brother, bear with it!
Ahhhhhh!!!
The thinnest three needles!
Ah.
Big brother.
Sorry.
It's these three needles
You have too much blood.
I'm a little dizzy.
Just hold on.
Aiyaaa!!
Healer Leng,
What kind of illness is this?
Ah
Normally, his Chi should flow
and his pulse should be stable
while is organs work steadily
But his breathing isn't smooth
and his pulse isn't stable
But his organs are normal.
Strange.
Yes.
Strange.
Really strange.
How can there be such a strange illness?
Tell me what we should do?
I'll try my best
Please allow me to excuse myself
Why did you fall sick out of the blue?
Weren't you fine yesterday?
Son.
Mom.
br>Son.
Ouch!
Quick, call Healer Leng!
Mom.
I'm okay.
Mom.
I'm just heaving a headache.
But the issue of choosing a concubine..
I think we need to postpone it.
Empress Dowager
The emperor has suddenly fallen ill
This must be because of the yin yang unbalance in the palace
With too little Yin
We should take this opportunity
To increase the amount of Yin
If His Majesty can have a few more sons
Then the Yang will be boosted too
All his illnesses will be cured immediately
When the Yin-Yang balance is right
The nation will prosper
Son
Eunuch Li makes sense
He makes sense
Right. Eunuch Li does make some sense
But
I'm just worried that
My body can't handle it
and when that time comes, mother
won't be able to see my sons
because she won't have a son herself!
Aiya
Son, plase don't say such
inauspicious things
Just rest well first
We'll postpone the choosing of your concubine
We'll talk about it later
All right?
Deer antlers, dear antlers
(they're playing a children's game)
Yeah!
I've won!
Drink up!
Ahh
Wait a minute
You guys cheated
This round's not counted
Eldest brother, you're too sly.
You deliberately moved slower
Hey, hey, hey.
If you want to play, you should be willing to lose.
If you treat us as your brothers
you have to drink!
Drink up!
Forget it, forget it.
I'll owe you first and drink the next time.
What do you mean you'll owe us?
Drink up!
Bottom's up!
I don't want to, I don't want to.
Where do you think you're running to?
Don't run!
Forget it, forget it!
Stop right there!
Don't run, don't run, don't run.
Halt there
Don't run!
Stand still.
All right.
Don't make me drink it.
It's not that I won't drink it.
I'm just scared that when you guys losethere'll be no wine left
Fine, then I'll drink.
Congratulations to His Majestyfor successfully feigning sick!
Great
Drink
The Empress Dowager orders
He Tian to be summoned to her
He Tian from the imperial hospitalpays his respects to the empress dowager
Hey
Where are you kowtowing to?
This way
This way, this way, this way.
You...
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong?
I'm asking you
Get up quickly
Your Majesty
I was just trying out the effectiveness of a few herbs
but accidentally ate too much
which is why I'm feeling giddy and can't see well
Oh
His Majesty has contracted a strange illness
I think your medical skills are not bad
Quickly think of something
to cure the Emperor
Your subordinate understands
I'll definitely try my best
to let His Majesty recover faster
But!
But what?
Reporting to your Majesty
His Majesty's not feeling well now
In order to prevent worsening his condition
I suggest
That His Majesty stops his bedroom activities
and concenrate on recovering
We'll follow your instructions
and do what you say
Thank you, Your Majesty.
But! Five days from now
is the date for the Emperor to choose his concubine
He must attend
I'll give you five days
for you to cure his Majesty's illness
Ah
Is there a problem?
Your Majesty
Five days is a little rushed
I'm not confident of curing the Emperor
Can you be more generous and give me ten or twenty days?
Five days is five days
I said five days
Before the deadline
You have to cure the Emperor
That's easy
You either continue to feign sick
and let Xiao Tian lose his head
otherwise
you should tell the Emperor
to hurry up and get married
choose one of the two
Eldest brother
Don't feel bad
The one who started the messhas to clean it up
I'll think of something for this
So... what do you intend to do?
Don't ask
I'll definitely be able to
deal with it
I can
I can deal with it
deal with it
I--
He's fallen
Yep
Left, right, left
Your left hand
Good
That's right
swing your arms
Beautiful, beautiful
Very good
Left, right, left
That's right, that's right
Raise your hand a little higher
Come
Raise it higher
Again
Don't sway here and there
Higher
Slower
Here, that's right.
Slower
You
You're back
Eunuch Meng
Do you have any instructions for me?
Who do you want me to treat?
Heh
Your days seem quite free
You can even go out to have fun during working hours
I still want to look for a few people
to bring you back here and break your legs
Halt there.
Where are you going?
I'm going to pour tea.
If I don't treat you well
I'm afraid that
You'll break my other bones as well
Hm?
Why aren't you wearing shoes?
At this hour
clean air rises and dirty air falls
If I wear shoes
It'll block the dirty air from leaving
In fact, walking barefoot
will allow me to take energy from the earth
Don't talk rubbish
Get me some ba dou
How much do you want?
As much as you have
All of it?
If you eat so many at one go
Even an elephant will have diahrrea
Suspicious?
Eunuch Meng
I'll go get it now
Mm.
Can you tell the difference?
No
Don't put too much of that
Just make sure that once they've drunk it
They won't be able to participate in the choosing
Don't kill them.
Great
You can rest easy
Eunuch Li
I've analysed it very carefully
These two cups are identical
How can you guarantee
That the washboard (Xiang Ning) will drink it?
You need to pay careful attention
Can you see this?
Hmm?
The top of the cups
One is yellow the other is white
Don't drink the one with the white top
If you drink it, you'll have diahrheaa till no end
And you won't be able to be a royal concubine
Remember it!
Yes
Xiao Tian
What are you doing?
This is not bad
It's not like you can die from it
This would teach the Octopus Girl a lesson
It should be quite fun
Don't keep having fun at other people's expense
Knowing a friend like you
is really unlucky
You don't want to help and you're stilltalking rubbish
Knowing me while we're young
is your luck!
Don't you detest her?
Not to that extent
Since she was young her mum died and her dad's not around
That's why she's so fierce
she just wants someone to show her a little concern
Hey, why are you defending her?
Is it because you've disguised yourself for too long?
and you're facing a sexuality crisis
and fallen for her?
That's right
I like girls!
What are you going to do about it?
Hey
Don't think that way
If you do that
You'll be going against the laws of nature
Girls
should like men like me
who look a little bad
but are handsome and good looking
You want me to like you right?
Then you
should go castrate yourself
If I do that you'll like me?
That's your only chance!
Hey
We'll get married first
And I'll castrate myself after our wedding night!
Or just castrate half?
Quiet down
The Empress Dowager is here
Your Majesty, please take a look
Each girl is as beautiful as a fairy
Cute
Oh!
She's so tall
she can reach the clouds!
Aiyo
Xiu Zhen
Small and adorable
Here, come forward
Look at these freckles!
It's like they grow in pairs.
This one's as strong as an ox!
don't you think so?
Yes, what a sense of security!
Great, great, great.
This, this, this.
Look at their looks
Look at her tiny face!
What about this one?
Oh, I recognise her!
This one has the most character!
Look at her blushing cheeks
And her teeth!
They've grown well, they've grown well.
Good, good, good.
Look at this one
Good, good.
Quickly pay your respects to the Empress Dowager
Greetings, Your Majesty
Aiyo!
Aiyaa
Okay okay okay
Leave it like this
No thank you
Pour the tea!
Have some tea
Thank your majesty for the tea
Thank you your majesty for the tea
Okay Okay thats fine
Achoo
Sorry
I'll switch with you
Drink it
Quick drink it
Empress Dowager
What tea is this?
Just drink it
This tea
Even after going through a lot of reincarnation you won't have a chance to drink this tea
Father
Your daughter is unfilial to you
Such a nice tea that you passed away without drinking it
How could I drink it by myself
Mother I will never know if I can see you
Just hurry up and drink
Hurry
This tea is for my father to drink
This is such an expensive tea
Why would you throw it
You
Here here, this for you, for you
That
Hold it in, Hold it in
Its hurting me to death
Told you to not drink that much
Doctor
Will I die?
You won't die
But from now on don't eat random things
This white one is for you to eat after you finished eating
This red one
After your excrement comes use this
How are you
I need to go
Hurry
Hurry up, hurry up
Please move aside
What if I dont move aside?
Why are you dressed like this?
Wearing this is very convenient
Smart right?
You
Do whatever you want
Just dont follow me
Hey
Why are you like this?
You think you're the Emperor?
I can follow whoever I want
Smells nice!
Hey Li Gong Gong, what did you just add in?
Don't ask
A girl asking this question
Aren't you embarrassed?
But after you eat
It will be a good thing for you
What now
Li Gong Gong
No
Cousin's body isn't feeling very good
If we add this in
Wouldn't it hurt his health?
Your cousin doesn't seem to be sick at all
If anything he will feel a bit uncomfortable
You are "Yin"
He's "Yang"
If you give your Yin to his Yang
Then once you guys play around
Then there is no sickness
Let me tell you
Listen
I did everything that you need Everything else is up to you
The next part is your turn
You can do whatever you like
Put it in
Aiyaa
Cousin
I need to go badly
Hey
What are you doing?
I need to go
I need to go more than you
You need to go too?
Come on I need to go even more now
My cousin is coming!
Think of a plan hurry!
Cousin
You stupid Eunuch why are you standing up that high
Why are you moving around?
Let me ask you
Have you seen my cousin?
You didn't?
Are you sure?
I'm warning you
If you see my cousin
You better tell me!
Do you hear?
If you dont tell me Then you're dead
I'll tell Li Gong Gong
Tell Li Gong Gong
That you a little Eunuch is playing around
Everyday you don't work well
And punish you by getting you to stand by the door!
You can't eat, you can't sleep
And you have to clean the toilet
Wash that one and then another one
Lots and lots of toilets
So smelly
If you have a secret
You have to tell me understand?
Because I
Have Empress Dowager who loves me
So at that time if you don't tell me
Then you will be very sad
There will be lots of toilets looking for you
Shhh
I cant hold it in
You win
Cousin
Did she leave?
Mhmm
He couldn't hold it in
Hehe
Here here drink up
Open your mouth wider
Open it more to drink!
Here here
Does it taste good?
Dont waste it! I can see you spitting it out
Quick drink
Quickly drink it
Cousin drink more of it
Theres one more spoonful!
Keep drinking
Drink!
Come on!
Come come
That's enough cousin
Okay
Cousin well help you wipe
Okay cousin needs to work
Don't
How do you feel?
Do you feel very warm?
Hot
My heart can feel it
Hot
Are you feeling a little warm?
A little bit
You're feeling warm, you're feeling warm!
Cousin, I've recently learn a new dance
I'll perform it for you now
No, don't!
Why are you walking so fast?
Wait for me
Aiyaa what smell is that?
Why does it smell so bad?
So petty
Over here is a medical place
Did you think this is a cottage?
But I'm... at the very most a customer
You should pour me some tea
Theres a pot of water outside
Help yourself
Why are you like this?
I just wanted to see your face
Thats why I came here to compete to be a concubine
And dressed up as a dang Eunuch
Can't you change the way you talk
Are you dumb?
You have such scary men by your side
What if the Emperor likes you?
And you became the Empress?
This is easy
I just need to "accidently" show something for the Emperor and Empress Dowager to see
I'll let them kick me out
Isn't that great?
Don't play around
Over there
Someone added some medicine
And now
The toilet is overflowing
I heard that the tea
Was for you to drink!
So what?
Who dares to harm me?
I'll harm them twice as much
Just be careful
Beware
I need to work
Hey don't go
I worked very hard to get here
I haven't been to a lot of places
Come play with me
Aiya don't play around with me
Take me out and play
He Tian! Let me tell you
If you don't play with me
I will light up a fire And burn this place down
Cousin
Are you hot?
Very hot
Then let's take our clothes off
Here here
Why do you have so much clothes?
Cousin
Hug hug
Cousin
Don't run!
Stand there!
Cousin
Don't chase me!
He Tian!
Stand over there
Do you believe that I won't hurt you?
Cook you
And eat!
Stand there!
Cousin
Don't run
Cousin I'm coming!
So you're being chased after too?
Da Ge what's wrong
Why are you so red?
Your hearts beating fast
Your pulse is very messy
Follow me
So hot
I say Da Ge
You take a bath
And stay in the cold water for a while
Then you will be good
Da Ge why are you staring at me
You really look like your sister
Were twins of course we look alike
Xiao Tian
Da Ge Wake up
Xiao Tian
Today you look
Very different
Stop it
Who cares if I look different?
You still can't do that
I think that you
You
Look like a girl
Right now you are not fully awake
Go down and immeditately cool off!
Subtitles brought to you by the Unruly Qiao team at Viki
If His Majesty has more sons
The Yang in the palace will be boosted